Beijing Newspeak

As the Party congress opens to chants of “unswervingly”, Xinhua has released a story about how the foreign media will be pummelled with all the news and views from the congress they could have only dreamed about five years ago.

BEIJING, Oct. 14 (Xinhua) — Journalists who cover the coming 17th National Congress of the Communist Party of China (CPC) will enjoy broader coverage scope and more considerate service during the five-yearly meeting, said congress spokesman Li Dongsheng Sunday afternoon.

Discussions of 34 delegations on the political report to be delivered by Hu Jintao on behalf of the 16th CPC Central Committee on Monday will be open to more than 1,900 domestic and overseas journalists at designated period of time, Li said at a press conference.

Li said journalists are welcomed to listen to the discussions, which used to be inaccessible to media, and will be fed with question and answer sessions, adding the move is part of the country’s efforts to offer overseas media broader information access during the Olympics.

Great news (tempered by the fact the information will be mere morsels requiring serious hamming up) for foreign journalists, bad news for Xinhua. Over the last few years, the government’s various ministries have set up regular press conferences open to the foreign media and many kindly provide the minutes of the briefings on their websites. Unfortunately, this goes a long way in negating the need for Xinhua’s English service. It seems that Xinhua copy will be used even less by the foreign media at this year’s five-yearly congress so it’s not looking good for 2012. But it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. Only a simple reform is needed to ensure Xinhua’s output does not just simply disappear into the ether.

Mr President, I would like to propose a full-time tabloid news department. Journalists will focus on the inane, comical and downright filthy goings-on from around the country. I guarantee the number of Xinhua stories picked up by international news websites will increase tenfold. The Reuters “Oddly Enough” section is a shoe-in. And please do not concern yourself with credibility issues - it can’t get much worse. Reporters unite to spread toilet humour!

I refer you to Xinhua’s recent scoop about Beijing car drivers being pissed off (I wanted to use this pun instead of “flushed with embarrassment” in the original headline but it didn’t fit Xinhua’s style) at the letters “WC” appearing on around 800 newly-issued licence plates. Here it is in its full glory:

SOME Beijing motorists are kicking up a fuss over license plate numbers that contain the letter combination “WC,” saying it gives them unpleasant images of the toilet, according to the Beijing Morning Post.

Eight hundred drivers applying for new license plates outside the capital’s fifth ring road will find themselves with “WC” on their cars.

The term became one of the best-known English expressions in China when it was used to identify public toilets.

“I will not make myself a laughing stock among my friends by adding such a weird abbreviation to my new car,” said a car owner surnamed Zhang.

However, a Beijing policeman in charge of issuing license plates in the city would not be moved. “We will not change our policy,” he said.

It is not the first time sensitive car drivers in China have raised their objections to license plate numbers.

In Xinyang City, central China’s Henan Province, “SB” has been removed from possible license plate combinations because it coincides with an abbreviation used on Internet forums for a strong term of abuse in Mandarin.

Traffic authorities in the south China city of Haikou removed the number four from the city’s number plates in August as it is considered unlucky by Chinese - it sounds like “death” when pronounced in Mandarin.

A simple formula. Take the story straight from the local Beijing newspapers - which probably came from one grumpy bloke phoning up the newspaper office in true local news journalism style -, log onto an Internet forum to get an extra quote and whack in a couple of background pars. Resist the urge to point out that seeing the word “POO” at the end of registration plates in Britain is perfectly normal. Reuters reproduces it and the story ends up being dispersed around the world, including Azerbaijan.

Mr President, if I could just remind you of some of Xinhua’s previous triumphs over the last year and a half. The one about China Southern Airlines trying to save fuel by encouraging people not to use the toilet mid-flight (if anyone has actually seen this put in practice, please let me know). The one about Olympic souvenirs being made out of panda poo. And anything to do with the world’s tallest man Bao Xishun. These stories will stay in the minds of newspaper readers all around the world and are set to define China in the early 21st Century.