Beijing Newspeak

The odd week cavorting in the countryside is a well-known antidote to institutionalisation. Plough through an excessive stint at Xinhua and - apart from spelling centre “center” without even remembering to growl with patriotic pride - you can end up being unable to distinguish between the run-of-the-mill and the ridiculous.

 Yesterday - my first day in the office after a week’s holiday - I was able to look at the working day with a fresh mind. Frightening. First up was the question to my fellow polishers, “So how’s it been?” This usually invokes pained expressions as brains are racked for the best example of absurdity from the past seven days. My favourite was an account of one of the most ludicrous pieces of censorship I have seen in a year and three months. The story concerned was actually very entertaining (barring the broken body parts), revealing the latest calamity to befall “China’s leading amateur birdman” who crashed his home-made aircraft in a field in Beijing. Extra amusement came from the fact that birdman Li Xianfeng works in a ten-pin bowling alley in Tsinghua University which according to the “uncensored” copy has produced “some of China’s most prominent engineers”. Any hint of irony was lost when a senior editor (and I must stress this particular editor is especially keen to cover his back at every opportunity, which is not a fair reflection on his colleagues) decided to add two words:

“which has produced some of China’s most prominent engineers and politicians”

Why the politician addition? Because Hu Jintao studied at Tsinghua University. Oh dear god.

My second action was to log in to the editing system. The previous days’ carnage was on display. The stories that never made it. One intro read:

“A popular science book was published in China to popularize anti-terrorism knowledge among public.”

Another story talked of the Danish Ambassador to China, Laurids Mikaelsen, on a trip to Jiangxi Province where he was visiting the hospital in which he was born in 1948. “Mikaelsen noted that he had preserved some Chinese customs even to date, such as eating Chinese food.” Umm … authentic.

One headline which read, “China is frank on human rights issues, says Austrian experts”, was preceded by the word “ABORTED”. The story that was polished into something more palatable can be found here and China Daily put its own version on page three.

Neither of these two versions included the following material that my colleague received in the original text:

In a talk with officials of the Office of the State Council Three Gorges Project Construction Committee, Hosek for the first time learned that the Three Gorges Project is a multi-purpose water conservancy project in the Yangtze River.

“I have never heard such a huge project before,” said Hosek, “it has both anti-flood and electricity-generation functions and its ultimate goal is to safeguard the life and property of millions of Chinese citizens.”

I often wonder about the accuracy of the quotes from Xinhua reporters in the local bureaus or if they have ever heard of a notepad. What they do possess is an incredible ability to make overseas visitors sound very clueless. I think I’ll take the opportunity to email Austrian delegation leader Gabriele Heinisch-Hosek to see whether this reporting is an accurate reflection of her visit.

Later in the afternoon one of my polishing colleagues received a story about the difficulties Beijing is facing in standardising English translations on menus in the capital’s restaurants. He didn’t appreciate these efforts to “sanitize” Beijing, nor was he impressed with the total lack of substance to the article. So he decided to make up a quote expressing his own opinion.

However not everyone agrees with the need to standardize everything. “Weird and wonderful English on Beijing menus - like ‘pea soup’, ‘complicated cakes’ and ‘grass with fishy smell’ - are part of the city’s charm,” said Theo Theodopolopodis, a Greek businessman who has been living in Beijing for two years. “If we sanitize everything, what happens to local flavour?”

I certainly don’t advocate the fabrication of news but it was partly my fault. I thought he was just joking around when I mentioned Theo’s name. But he sent it through and it was released. Quite frankly I couldn’t be arsed to deliver a lecture on responsibility and thought it was best to allow things to follow their natural course. The author of the article was most unimpressed.

The final folly was conveyed to me by a polisher in the international department. He was called up at home and asked to be on the panel of judges for a Xinhua oratory competition. “Sure, no problem,” was his reply. “And just one other thing … we would like you to do a performance.” “Eh? What do you mean, a perfomance?” “Just a small song.” “Er, sorry I don’t really sing.” “Ok then, what about a few tricks?” “Er, sorry I don’t know any tricks.” “Juggling?” “Sorry, I can’t.” “Oh … a story about your hometown?” “I am happy to be on the panel but I’m not doing anything else.” “Ah, ok well your boss will probably call you later to ask again.”

Good to be back.